| by Gwen M. Hurd, LCSW, ACSW
Acknowledge All Feelings
Tips For Good Mental Health
 eelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. It is how we act upon our feelings that can be classified as either positive or negative behavior. As a society, we seem to have classified certain feelings such as happiness as a positive emotion and anger and fear as negative emotions. Therefore, we are encouraged to feel happy and discouraged to feel anger or fear. At times, individuals who claim not to feel anger see themselves as above or better than others who acknowledge their anger. Classifying emotions as good or bad generates messages that are harmful to optimal mental health. Internally we do not judge our emotions, nor can we distinguish between them. When we send ourselves or others (including our children) the message not to feel anger or fear, it is translated internally as do not feel, meaning do not feel anger, fear, sadness, or joy (commonly seen as the four root emotions).
Generally, we are unsuccessful in not feeling; though we can be successful at not expressing our feelings. People will claim they do not feel anything or that they feel numb. Being numb, however, is not an absence of emotion or feeling, it is a combination or mixture of many feelings. If we encourage individuals to analyze their experience of “feeling numb,” they begin to speak of a part of themselves that feels angry, a part that feels sad, and yet another part that feels fearful. Given space and time, individuals can unravel their “numbness” into definable terms. Another aspect of feeling numb is to be overwhelmed by feelings as in being “numb with grief.” Being numb with grief is about being so overwhelmed by grief that it is difficult to know where or how to start processing or feeling a loss.
When we do not acknowledge our feelings or attempt to stifle them, these feelings react like children who are being ignored. They get louder and louder until they are crying or screaming to be heard. Eventually, if feelings, like children, are not acknowledged, they go quiet and shut down. This does not mean that we stop feeling; it means that these emotions have given up trying to communicate with us. Therefore, whatever need or change they were trying to convey to us has gone unheard.
 Even from this space of shutting down, our feelings still attempt to show themselves by seeping out side ways. Instead of honestly confronting and articulating our anger, we kick the cat or yell at the dog. Road rage is not just about what is going on in the moment while driving, it is about the build up of anger that has gone unexpressed as it seizes an opportunity to be seen and heard. The more we ignore our emotions and allow them to build up, the more likely we will explode when they are released. Almost always an explosion of emotion will be disproportionate to what is happening. This is a key indicator that what we are really upset about is not what is going on in the present, but unexpressed emotions seeping out. When we express or articulate our emotions as they are occurring then we are clearer in our expression of emotion. Again, those children who are allowed some freedom to move around and express themselves throughout their day do so in a much less intense and overwhelming manner than those children forced to sit still and contain themselves all day.
| When we send ourselves or others (including our children) the message not to feel anger or fear, it is translated internally as do not feel; meaning do not feel anger, fear, sadness or joy. | |
When we look at general messages we are given regarding expressing emotions, we see that they stress restraint and avoidance. We are told not to “cry over spilled milk,” not to “make a mountain out of a mole hill,” and to “stop making a scene.” In each of these examples, someone is making a judgment call about whether or not another is valid in their expression of emotion. Only we can define for ourselves what is worth crying over, laughing about, yelling about, or being afraid of. If your checkbook is empty and you spill the milk for your toddler’s cereal, it may be worth crying over. Does the crying, yelling or laughing solve the problem? No, but expressing emotion allows the release of tension and pressure. When even a bit of tension or pressure is released, it reduces stress and makes room for the possibility of solutions. his is not to suggest that we should go about saying whatever we want whenever it feels right to us regardless of the outcome or impact on others.
This is about internally acknowledging our feelings, taking responsibility for what is going on inside of us, and taking care of ourselves by appropriately expressing how we are feeling. Emotions are vital messages that we give ourselves. We should understand they are important messages from our heart and contain useful information. When we are angry, we need to look to see if we or someone else may be crossing an emotional boundary that is important to us. However, before going on a rant, we need to ask ourselves whether or not we have clearly established the boundary. First and foremost, we need to be accountable for any mixed messages we may have given others.
Healthy fear can motivate us to change for the better. Fear gives us the opportunity to protect ourselves, to be more aware, and to look around and make decisions about our well-being and safety. At times, fear is an indicator that we need more information before we can make a decision. Sadness and tears help us process loss. They may indicate our life is not how we want it to be, or be pointing out that we are not getting our needs met. Once we acknowledge our feelings, we can evaluate how we are letting ourselves down and where we are not meeting our own needs or holding our needs as important. Joy lets us know we are doing things right, that we have accomplished a goal, are healthy enough to recognize another’s success, or that we have created a community of family and friends of which we can be proud.
Feelings are a pathway for our heart to communicate with our mind. They reinforce what is going well and what we need to change. How often do we hear ourselves or others say in hindsight, “I knew I should not have,” “I had a feeling something was not right,” or “I just did not listen to myself”? When we listen to, acknowledge and validate our feelings, the message we give to ourselves and others is that we are important and willing to advocate for what we need. In this way, the people around us see that we respect ourselves so they in turn are more likely to have respect for us. When we honor our feelings, we model for and teach our children how to honor and appropriately express their feelings. It is vital to acknowledge all of our feelings, at least to ourselves, for only then can we make clear and trustworthy decisions. When we risk sharing our feelings with others, they are more likely to reciprocate and share their feelings with us. The first step to intimacy with others is intimacy with one’s self. So feel your feelings and remember it is not the feeling that is good, bad or ugly, it is the actions we choose to take based on the feelings that impacts ourselves and our world in a potentially good, bad or ugly way.
Gwen M. Hurd is a graduate of the University of Chicago’s School of Social Service Administration. Gwen is a licensed clinical social worker. For the past 15 years she has worked in both clinical and administrative capacities. Currently, she has a private therapy practice in Michigan City, Indiana. |
