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by Gwen M. Hurd, LCSW, ACSW
Tools To Use In Raising Responsible Children
when a parent spanks or otherwise physically disciplines a child, it is primarily motivated by anger. This teaches children that acting out in anger and harming someone smaller is acceptable. We should not then be surprised when the child copies this behavior. Children learn from our actions. They watch how we approach situations in life and are in tune with how we parent. Often I hear parents say, “My parents spanked me and I turned out fine.” Then I question what “turned out fine” means. Are you happy in your life? Are you confident and motivated to take risks? Do you feel in charge of your life or at the mercy of others? Children and adults who are empowered to understand how their responses to situations impact their world take ownership for their actions and reactions rather than blaming others. When their lives are not working, they initiate the changes necessary to improve their situation. In the end, all we can teach children is to consciously respond to their world and create the life they want.
talking time outs
The length of a time out should match the age of the child. Either during the time out or once it is up, talk to the child to ensure that he or she understands the behavior that resulted in the time out and how he or she can do things differently to avoid future incidences. Ask the child to repeat the explanation so you both agree they understand.
Modify your language and depth of explanation to match the child’s age.
reward charts
Here the goal is to create a model where there is always a way for the child to win. Break the chart down to assure your child can successfully receive a reward; allow them to earn a point or star at several intervals throughout the day. Rewards can be an extended bed time, a choice of activity, an extra snack, renting a video, bubbles in the bath, a massage, or even money. Look for the small things that make children smile; ask for ideas to find rewards that work for the household. Nothing makes a child give up sooner than taking away points or stars they have earned. Do not record negative behaviors. Instead, talk to your child about what was negative, why they did not earn a point or star, and then reinforce what they do need to do to earn a point or star.
positive reinforcement
Acknowledge children when they respond appropriately. Point it out, and help them see how their actions or reaction produced the result they wanted. When children are mad, they may need to be left alone to calm down. Help them see how they can reenter the family in a good way when they are ready.
setting goals
Help your children set obtainable goals. Break goals down into small steps. Celebrate the achievement of tasks and goals as a way to keeping the child motivated and encouraged.
respect
Treating children of all ages with respect models behavior most adults “demand.” Children are processing information at an amazing rate. They are watching how others around them act and respond to their own environment. When the child’s needs, fears or requests are discounted, he or she learns to shut down instead of growing. Acknowledging feelings and assisting children in working through them demonstrates empathy, and having empathy for others and their feelings is a foundation to being respectful.
expressing emotion
When children are overwhelmed by an emotion, be it anger, fear, or sadness, it is important to teach calming techniques. Having a child take a deep breath or stomp their feet helps to get them centered in their bodies; better yet, model deep breathing and stomping with the child. Once the child is calm, speak to him or her about the emotion instead of when he or she is overwhelmed by the emotion. This gives the child the ability to move forward by expressing and resolving the issue or concern.
paying attention to their bodies
Work with children to build their awareness of how their body reacts to what they eat and drink. Talk to them about what you observe, and help them make choices to eat foods that are consistent with their bodily needs. Teach them to listen to these signals: to eat when hungry and stop when full, regardless of the time of day or how much food is left on their plate. Learn about nutritional supplementation to assure that children are getting the nutrients they require at each stage of growth. Teach children about how exercise and a healthy lifestyle impacts their physical, mental and emotional well-being.
trust yourself
If a child exhibits a pattern of difficult behavior or issues at school that concern you and either do not make sense or are bothersome to you, seek support. Ask advice from other parents you trust and who you value as positive influences on their children’s lives. If the issues continue, seek guidance from a reputable therapist who has experience working with children and families. .
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